DHS to Interrogate U.S. Intelligence Agents

The Department of Homeland Security will brutally question CIA and perhaps other agents using interrogation techniques developed during the previous administration.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated the program is necessary to ensure that intelligence is shared one last time with the FBI’s Criminal Division investigators, in the interest of national security.

When asked if the move was in response to claims by some on both sides of the political aisle that Barack Obama’s evolving views about prosecuting former Bush administration officials has created widespread risk-aversion within our intelligence agencies, Gibbs replied, “President Obama wants those who acted within the four corners of his many statements to know what he thinks about their being prosecuted.”

Gibbs appeared to choke up as he poignantly added, “While the President is pretty sure they are no longer acquiring intelligence from credible sources, agents must be purged of the old information and then just forget about it, lest we remember.” A roll of White House tissue was quickly passed among many mainstream journalists at that point. The few reporters there from right-wing media outlets who sought clarification from Gibbs after the press gaggle were unsuccessful, as he had moved on.

“Whether to include members of our military is not contemplated at this time but even casual interviews of disaster-causing men from other nations without their lawyers present are prohibited,” said a DHS official on behalf of Secretary Janet Napolitano.

Consistent with his previous statements, Director of National Intelligence Admiral Dennis Blair promised that his comments about the issue would likely vary. CIA Director Leon Panetta expressed reservations about commenting until after he has fully revised his previous differences with the current administration over using aggressive interrogation techniques. However, Attorney General Eric Holder found that interrogating American agents was “consistent with our values and the rule of law,” unlike his own views about denying detainees habaes review before the political winds changed.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates was unavailable for comment due to the May 28 deadline for releasing photographs of torture, including those of U.S. soldiers pointing their weapons at the enemy. Original plans to release the photos the Friday before Memorial Day were scrapped to avoid offending those who worship on that day of the week.

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